THE HANDSTAND

APRIL 2003

 
  Homo Petrolophagos: Hominid coeval with Homo Sapiens found on Terra....
>            By Luciana Bohne
>            Online Journal Contributing Writer
>
>            March 26, 2003-Scientists stunned the planetary community
yesterday by announcing to the United Planet Federation of Mars (UPFM) that
remains of a late-age Terra hominid, Petrolophagos, have been found in the
northern hemisphere of the lifeless planet.
>
>            The latest scientific expeditionary team was launched to attempt
to collect data which could help to explain the inscrutable mystery of the
demise of the once blue and fertile planet. Now scorched and barren,
implacably cold and covered by thick clouds of perennial winter, which shut
off the heat of the sun, Terra's virtual death remains a scientific puzzle.
The most plausible theory for Terra's catastrophic destruction has been that
it was struck by a meteorite some 250,000 years ago. That theory, however, is
about to be stood on its head.
>
>            Petrolophagos, as the hominid has been named, was found in a
bunker-like structure of a continental area of Terra now totally submerged
under seawater. Amazingly, the find, some 20-skull and hominid-parts strong,
is contemporaneous with a fully evolved "human" species previously found on
Terra, Homo Sapiens.
>
>            It is almost certain that Homo Sapiens' population amounted to
six billions before Terra's natural equipment malfunctioned. Previous
expeditions had brought back evidence of a high degree of evolutionary and
intelligence development among Terrans. They had even developed a refined
theory of their own evolution, although archeologists thought that it was
disliked by a tribe of 200 million in the area where Petrolophagos was found.
Why this tribal sect of Homo Sapiens opposed the most obvious scientific
evidence, while billions of others accepted it, is perhaps, about to be made
clear. The mystery thickened when it was found that the tribal sect proposed
an explanation of the origin of the species in a mythical divine creation of
some seven days.
>
>            The people of UPFM are straining to understand the presence of a
belated hominid species, which had been extinct on Terra for 2.5 million
years, in the midst of a much more evolved and globally diffuse later model.
Archeologists, however, assure the people of UPFM that the conundrum is real:
hominids and Homo Sapiens had co-existed just before the end. Artifacts found
on the site confirm the linguistic dating as Linear-Z, the language spoken by
Terrans, albeit hominids' Linear-Z (distinguished as Degraded Linear-Z or DLZ)
samples betray a severe paucity of vocabulary, syntax, and sense, compared to
standard Linear-Z.
>
>            Moreover, archeologists entertain a strong suspicion that
Petrolophagos DLZ hominids, although merely a cluster, held the last power on
Terra. This assertion is given credence by the environment in which
Petrolophagos was found. Archeologists argue that the heap of bones were found
beneath mighty and lofty governmental structures, some fossilized into clear
forms. The underwater site was littered with artifacts appearing to be lethal
weapons, some spent and others in now harmless functional use. Traces of
primitively enriched uranium could still be detected, as was plutonium.
Archeologists further discovered proof that Petrolophagos relied exclusively
on fossil fuels for generating the destructive economy the DLZ hominid
enjoyed.
>
>            This conclusion seems to sustain the other, hitherto discredited
theory on the destruction of that unfortunate planet, namely that fossil-fuel
poisoning choked the atmosphere and caused the seas to rise, the glaciers to
melt, and epidemics to spread, making life hell on Terra and ultimately
extinguishing it. But how does this explain the presence of plutonium and
enriched uranium traces found on the site? Isn't it more reasonable to assume
the worst and work out a theory of hominidicidal warfare?
>
>            Paleontologists think that they can reconcile the contradictory
evidence. In their theory of implo-explosion, they argue that a combination of
trapped poisoned gasses from fossil-fuel burning and global nuclear holocaust,
articulated by warfare, caused Terra to implode and explode at the same time,
a phenomenon previously unknown in our galaxy.
>
>            Indeed, archeologists support the theory that the unaccountably
elite group of hominids ruled over the higher species of Homo Sapiens in the
last days of life on Terra. Petrolophagos seems to have had a limited capacity
for reason, no achievements of a humanistic order, and a sociopathological
bent for war. Like all underdeveloped life forms of the hominid type,
Petrolophagos seemed to have been totemistic. An engineering archeological
specialist, Dr. Eiffel, found in fragments of holographs, statuettes, and
actual fossilized structures a curious worship of a steel tower, which had
spewed poisoned gasses, tapering at the top: the "Rig."
>
>            This totem was replicated, fetishistically, and found all over
Terra, testifying to Petrolophagos's widespread imperial domination. The
center of worship of the Rig faithfuls is supposed to be located some hundreds
or thousands of miles southwest from the hominid site, on the submerged
landmass. The place, called Saxet, is still unexplored, and it will remain
toxic for 2 million more years.
>
>            One last bit of data will tease researchers: Petrolophagos seems
to have been politheistic. He/she worshipped two deities: one simply called
"God," and the other called "Dollar." One was consulted on Sunday and the
other the rest of the week.
>
>            The people of UPFM are confronted with a scientific puzzle of
monumental proportions, when attempting to unravel the causes of Terra's
tragic exit from the Bounty of the Universe. Disturbing questions remain, but
if we are to maintain our Martian people's united and caring community and our
unending respect for the planet which gives us life, we must never forget
Terra's fate. We must seek to know: How did the belated hominid,
Petrolophagos, usurp rule over Homo Sapiens?

From what species had
Petrolophagos hominid branched off or adapted? What was the connection between
Petrolophagos and the Rig he/she worshipped? And, finally, why didn't Homo
Sapiens, 6 billion strong, not overthrow Petrolophagos and spare Terra the
fate of being inherited by cockroaches and other insects?
>
>            Luciana Bohne teaches film and literature at Edinboro University
of Pennsylvania. She can be reached at lbohne@edinboro.edu.
>